YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:

1. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
3. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
4. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
5. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
6. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
7. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
8. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
9. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
10. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
11. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
12. You own a homemade fur coat.
13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
14. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
15. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
16. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
17. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
18. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
19. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
20. Fewer than half of your cars run.
21. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
22. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
23. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
24. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
25. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
26. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
27. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
28. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
29. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
30. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
31. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
32. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
33. Your family tree does not fork.
34. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
35. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
36. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
37. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
38. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
39. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
40. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
41. You've ever financed a tattoo.
42. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
43. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
44. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
45. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
46. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
47. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
48. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
49. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
50. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
51. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
52. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
53. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
54. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
55. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
56. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
57. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
58. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
59. Bikers back down from your momma.
60. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
61. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
62. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
63. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
64. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
65. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
66. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
67. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
68. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
69. You clean your nails with a stick.
70. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
71. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
72. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
73. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
74. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
75. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
76. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
77. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
78. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet girls
79. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
80. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
81. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
82. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
83. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
84. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
85. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
86. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
87. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
88. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
89. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
90. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
91. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
92. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
93. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
94. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
95. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
96. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
97. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
98. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
99. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
100. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
101. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
102. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
103. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
104. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
105. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
106. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
107. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
108. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
109. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
110. You mow your lawn and find a car.
111. You can spit without opening your mouth.
112. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
113. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
114. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
115. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
116. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
117. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
118. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
119. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
120. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
121. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
122. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
123. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
124. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
125. Your screen door has no screen.
126. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
127. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
128. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
129. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
130. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
131. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
132. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
133. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
134. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
135. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
136. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
137. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
138. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
139. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
140. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
141. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
142. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
143. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
144. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
145. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
146. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
147. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
148. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
149. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
150. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
151. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
152. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
153. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
154. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
155. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
156. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
157. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
158. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
159. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
160. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
161. You bring your dog to work with you.
162. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
163. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
164. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
165. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
166. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
167. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
168. There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
169. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
170. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
171. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
172. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
173. Your secret family recipe is illegal.
174. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
175. People hear your car long before they see it.
176. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
177. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
178. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
179. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
180. You've ever hitchhiked naked.
181. You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
182. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
183. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
184. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
185. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
186. You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
187. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
188. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
189. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
190. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
191. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
192. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
193. You list your parole officer as a reference.
194. There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
195. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
196. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
197. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
198. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
199. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
200. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
201. You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
202. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
203. Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
204. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
205. Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
206. You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
207. The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
208. You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
209. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
210. You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
211. After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
212. You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
213. The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
214. Your grandmother stands up to pee.
215. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
216. The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
217. You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
218. You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
219. One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
220. Your house has a kickstand.
221. You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
222. Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
223. Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
224. You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
225. You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
226. Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
227. You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
228. You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
229. You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
230. Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
231. You have barnyard animals living in your house.
232. The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
233. Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
234. You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
235. Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
236. Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
237. You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
238. You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
239. You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
240. You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
241. Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
242. You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
243. You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
244. Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
245. You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
246. You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.
247. You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
248. You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
249. When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
250. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
251. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
252. You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
253. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car.
254. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
255. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
256. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
257. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
258. You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
259. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
260. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
261. You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.
262. You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
263. Your horse wears shoes in the summer, but you don't.
264. It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
265. People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
266. Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.
267. Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.
268. You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
269. You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
270. Your dog is your alarm clock.
271. Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
272. You don't know what a redneck is.
273. You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".
274. You thought ER was ET's cousin.
275. You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
276. You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.
277. You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
278. You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
279. You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
280. You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
281. You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
282. You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
283. You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
284. You name your car the General Lee.
285. You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
286. It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
287. You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
288. You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
289. You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
290. You can legaly purchase beer in grade school.
291. You take a foam number 1 finger to a ballet.
292. You think asphalt is a butt diease.
293. You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.
294. You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.
295. You've ever shoplifted Spam.
296. Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.
297. Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
298. You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
299. You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
300. You've given your gun a woman's name.
301. Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
302. You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.
303. Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
304. Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
305. You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.
306. You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.
307. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
308. You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.
309. When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
310. Your grandma can bench press a truck axle.
311. At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
312. You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
313. Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
314. None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
315. You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.
316. You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
317. Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
318. You are driving the car you were conceived in.
319. You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.
320. Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
321. Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.
322. The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed your bathroom never did reach the house.
323. You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.
324. Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.
325. You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.
326. You have one all purpose knife for butchering your hogs, shaving, and spreading butter over your sandwiches.
327. If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
328. Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
329. You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
330. You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
331. Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
332. You've ever used scissors on food.
333. You've ever re-used a paper plate.
334. You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
335. You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
336. Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
337. You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
338. You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off.
339. People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.
340. Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.
341. When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
342. You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
343. You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
344. You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
345. You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
346. You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
347. The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
348. Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads."
349. Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
350. Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
351. You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
352. The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
353. You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
354. A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
355. You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

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